S.O.S. Please Someone Help Me, It's Not Healthy...

"Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?" "From childhood," he answered. "It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." " 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

Mark 9:21-24 NIV

Recently learned insight. It blew me away. Changed my life. FOR-EV-ERRRRR!!!

The father came to Jesus, kinda sorta hoping He could deliver his boy. I'm sure he'd heard a lot about Jesus' miracles, but He probably didn't know a whole lot about Jesus. His lack of knowledge of Christ's identity and power produced his wavering of "if you can do anything at all, take pity on us and help us."

I mean, I really wouldn't expect a stranger to do me a favor, let alone this powerful, miracle doing guy who claims to be God's Son. Even more, until that point, God wasn't someone with whom each person had a deep and close relationship. Nope. It was more like, "well, I've been good. I've kept to the law. I think maybe I'm worthy enough...maybe?"

And before this he'd also already asked the disciples to give it a try, but the boy kept being thrashed around and thrown into fire by his possessors.

So then, Jesus asserts His authority, reminds the father that what He lacks is belief. And the father responds with something like, "I do believe. Well actually, I kinda don't. Will you help me with that...I mean my unbelief?"

I learned that the Greek word for unbelief (apistos) means "not worthy of confidence, untrustworthy...a thing not to be believed in, incredible.

Christ wanted him not just to belief that He would heal his boy, but that He could accept the truth of the fact that He is the Son of God, that He could believe Him in everything He taught/teaches, and that He is trustworthy.

Then, Jesus helped him. Thank God!

It's OK to struggle because it's there (right in the struggle) that Christ wants us to say...

"A lotta help, over here. S.O.S. Me! I need the life savor. I can't do it on my own. I'm not even sure you want to help. I even feel guilty for that. I'm not just struggling. I'm struggling with unbelief. HELP ME!"

Because when we admit that we need the help we do a few things:

1) We identify that we are in struggle or bondange (our choice to sin)

2) We also identify that there is a greater truth and reality than what we are currently facing. We just can't see it all that clearly.

3) We relinquish control of the situation that we obviously cannot manage on our own.

4) We re-establish authority in Christ, to Christ

6) He comes to help us reorient our perspective, our actions AND EVEN gives us ability to see (SIGHT to BLIND), ability to hear (HEARING to DEAF). He also binds us up (HEALING to BROKEN) and gives us freedom (RELEASE to CAPTIVE). (Is 61:1)

5) He helps us choose life, over death.

Welcome to the struggle club...I wish it were the giggle club...that's more fun...but I think, this becomes easier...over time...as I see Jesus come to my rescue each time I peep a little "help". As my trust grows. As I learn more about Him. My "helps" will become louder and louder yelps.

Because He says about Himself...

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed"
Luke 4:18 (but prophesied in Is 61:1)

Lilies, Dandelions, and Sunflowers

Sister,
I see you
You pretty little flower
Sister,
I see you
You pretty
Little flower

Hiding there
with that
Fragrance of Despair
And no knowledge of,
Your Beauty

I said sister,
I see you
With your eyes moving,
From side to side
Taking in
Their glory
And majestic pride

And you wonder
Am I just like them?
Do I have it?
But you doubt it

You see them sister
So many different ones...
Dandelions
Roses
Carnations
Gerber Daises
Cactus Lilies
.... Sunflowers

And you stop and think,
"Wow, what's wrong with me?"
My creator,
Well he held back in tending me
He must've missed all the need I see
And your pain, it grows,
Your disdain too...

But sister, I see you
Pretty little flower
Look into these eyes
They see you, because
They know, exactly what you do.

Look at me. Look into my eyes.
Listen sister.
You. Are. A. Pretty. Flower.
I know them too. All the ones you see.
And guess what, sister. You are not like them.
In fact sister, my pretty sister.
Your difference is purposeful.

Because sister, your Creator delights in you.
He planned that you sister,
You, would look exactly, the way you do.
He intended that you sister,
You, would have exactly, what you do.
No more.
No less.
Just like the other Lilies.

Consider them...
Growing.
Not laboring.
Not spinning.
Fully clothed.
Fully known.
None forgotten.

See sister, He sees you too.
And the other little flowers...He sees them too.

But just like you, they question too.

So what you ask, does He think of you?
Sister, He loves you.
And He asks sister that you receive it.
He asks that you look up high
Towards His Son, and receive His light
Let it fill your leaves, and each and every petal

No, He doesn't shine too bright
No, He won't shade His light
He will fill you. And your Beauty sister.
Well, it'll Shine through
Oh, sister your Beauty, will surprise even you.

Sister, from glory to glory.
You will radiate.


By Me. Inspired by my beautiful sisters.
"Once a Tula, ALWAYS a Tula."

Soy Milk is NO real substitute...

Today I made pasta sauce, to go with my pasta and it was really just horrible! Word to the wise, when the ingredients call for milk...uhhh...use it! Soy milk is really no substitute...no matter how Lactose Intolerant one is. And despite the fact that I really didn't enjoy it one bit at all...I still ate it...not all of it...the left overs went to the trash...but I still ate until I was full.

And when I was done, I wondered why I did it. Why did in the world did I keep eating it?

No, it wasn't that I was starving, because I'd had a gronaloa bar right after work...

Nope, it wasn't the only thing available to eat. I've been to the market (store or supermarket for some of my other friends), so I have a full load of stuff to choose from....

No, it wasn't even because I was out of time, because tonight I reserved for me and Jesus...

WHY THEN?

It was because, I made it with the intent of eating it. And so, I did.

This speaks two things about me 1) I'm driven, focused, and can push past discomfort and fake enjoyment. 2) Eating can really be a thing of function for me.

Now this does not mean I do not love to enjoy food. I mean I felt warm inside when Paul Child asked Julia, "What is it you REALLY like to do?" and she answered "EAT!" Not just because it was a sweet moment, but because I may have said the same thing, and well, I identified deeply with Julia.

But tonight I realized that the thing I enjoy most about eating, is doing it with others whose company I also enjoy. So is this me inviting myself over to your place for dinner? No, but you can if you want too...haha! No, no, no. This is just me realizing more of myself.

Does this mean my husband may have to eat along with me when meals don't go as planned...it's possible. And I hope we can enjoy it...weeelll depending on how bad it is...I don't plan on killing him. ;)

Tonight, I could have done worse. I mean, this pasta is at least edible, despite my desiring it to taste like something else. The learning curve on meal preparation has proven to be a steep one for me...so I've learned to be more patient with myself in it all and have appreciated when others have been as well. Good times.

P.S. I need to find out whether or not I'm REALLY Lactose Intolerant...

Shuffle, Shuffle, Shuffle...

No, not your iTunes music.

That was what the 80+ year old man was doing as he moved down and around the cul-de-sac outside my front door.

I didn't watch him from there though, I saw him driving into my driveway just after work. Today wasn't an especially difficult day work wise. It was breezy and quite enjoyable as I had some stellar Arizona families come see me.

But there's been MUCH on my mind for very important reasons. Reasons that feel very urgent and very much life or death. And reasons that require perseverance, reflection, focus, patience and a lot of self discipline. But sometimes these attributes are difficult to maintain and not that much fun at all. So I wasn't excited about the idea of coming home to those reasons I'd put on hold while at work. No, they've been waiting for me. And I'm not even sure the reasons are going to even respond to all the attention and time I'm giving them. The lack of assurance, isn't very motivating.

Then shuffles across Gandesa Road, Mr. very tall, very bent over, and VERY slow. Given his posture, pace and age, I'd say he has every right to have a really cool Motorized Wheelchair like the one above. In case ya want your own, it's a Jazzy Electric Wheelchair. He could be cruising around La Mirada at light speed and stopping on a dime at every cross walk corner. But he's not that guy. He's not taking the easy way out.

In fact, the determination in his stride, said a lot more than just "age had done this to his body". I actually think it's more recent happening that has him walking with such labor. Maybe an accident, a stroke, or just one morning he woke up crooked and the doctors didn't know what to tell him. Nonetheless, He literally looked as if he was dragging 30,000,000 tons behind him. One ton is enough right?!

And it was obvious he wasn't used to life this way. But he was going for it. I'm sure he's aiming to walk enough times, throughout enough La Mirada blocks, and with enough precision and form, that eventually, he'll limber up, straighten out, have the gait of his pre-accident self and be right back in step with where he was before...maybe.

But there are benefits of his journey. He will of course have an intimate knowledge of La Mirada's streets; bumps, turns, hills, cracks, etc. But more importantly, he'll have a greater understanding of his capabilities and abilities. He'll know his limits, tests those limits and will surprise himself each and every day in how he surpasses the boundary lines that used to be horribly limiting. Again, maybe. But to him, maybe is enough.

And that challenges me, for a variety of different reasons. After writing enough blogs I've noticed that I really don't ever have one response or one reason for anything...I see many sides to even a very, very thin and small plain piece of paper.

Anyways, here's three.

Reason 1: I have a great Helper, who is willing to take me by the hand and lead me...if I reach out.

Reason 2: I have the promise that things will be different. That there will be change. It's absolutely possible that this could only mean a change in perspective, but there will still be change and I'm promised that.

Reason 3: I'll know myself and my Creator, even more intimately than when I started tending to all the reasons that are keeping me occupied in first place.

Love oversight...

This is a blog long overdue, as it pertains in part to some of my observations about myself (expectations, understandings, culture, etc) that were HUGELY apparent to me during my time in Oman.
***For those who don't know, I was there June 1-June 18 and so badly want to go back sooner than later***

And yes, I know I haven't written anything about the actual journey...I will, I'm still processing it. I sent a text to my friend saying my process sounded like this "drip, drip, SILENCE, drip, drip, drip, GUSH, drip".

At the very least, I'll say this...the experience was beautiful. And well beauty is in the eye of the beholder right? Our Beholder has very, very unique concepts of beauty. He is beauty and well my time in Oman, was absolutely a small, very heightened and "light speed" experience of what the process of "becoming more like Him" really even slightly looks like...simple reflections of His beauty.

So back to my title right...Love oversight? I just wanted to tell you about some time we spent with a beautiful couple.

They are Omani. They are newlyweds...2 years new. They are our friends.

He is a slim, shortish, very gentle, very kind, very patient, and very friendly man. For work, he's a water sports tour guide of sorts. He has a deep appreciation for the ocean and it's detail. He is very loyal to his family and friends. Even with friends like us who only come to visit for 2-3 weeks out of the year, he drops everything to spend time and catch up on life, and take us out on his boat to teach us how to Knee board.

She has beautiful deep brown eyes, framed by perfect eye brows (all natural since she doesn't thread or wax) a cute button nose, and an amazing smile. This is all you get to see when she's out and about in public, because she's clothed in Abaya and headscarf. However, because I'm a woman and a friend, I got to see the long, gorgeously healthy and wavey, dark brown hair hidden under her scarf. Only women and her closest male relatives and husband get to witness this beauty. Oh, and even with Abaya, you can tell, she's pregnant! Without the Abaya, it's of course even more obvious how very pregnant she is...she's due in September and she'll be having a baby girl! :)

Our team got to have dinner with these dear friends. We chose a restaurant that had family seating. This was requested by our friend, because he wanted a place that would allow us some privacy. In Oman (and other Middle Eastern countries) restaurants tend to have two seating areas. One for men, and one for families. The family seating areas are more private, kind of like our idea of booth seating, but in some places they actually have mini particians that allow for extra privacy for the family dining within them. Another reason one would request this seating arrangement is to also allow for their women guests to feel comfortable (at the very least, having to worry about other less honorable men seeing them) in a more private dining area.

Because I'm me and these two are really the only Omani couple that I know well enough to interact with both of them at the same time, I was really excited and intrigued to see how they showed love for each other. And let me tell you, during dinner, I was very distrought.

He didn't pull out her chair.
She didn't serve him water.
They didn't really make eye contact with each other.
They didn't make any physical contact.
They didn't even really talk to each other...except for providing information to questions we asked.
(I know, these may seem like very shallow examples, but remember, I was trying to boil it down to more obvious "love" sightings)

I mean I enjoyed myself, so I was broken by my findings. The food was amazing. I had an awesome strawberry shake. And I really enjoyed getting to know our Omani even better. We shared about our faiths, we talked about threading. We talked about the coming baby. We learned more Arabic words. Did I mention how wonderful the food was? We also took a few pictures. I'm not going to share them here because I want to respect our friends and posting a picture of our Omani woman friend just wouldn't be appropriate. Sorry guys.

So then we left. We said our good bys and wished them well because this was the evening before they were going to find out the sex of their child. :) Like I said before, she's a girl :).

Then we left. And during the car ride home, I thought and thought. And then at some point during the trip...I cannot remember exactly when...the following convo happend. I'm not even sure these were the exact words, so afford me some creative licsence as I try to remember.

Me: Do you think they love each other?
Chris: Yes they're crazy about each other!
Me: But they didn't even look at each other....

And then we went back and forth as a team about the things that I (and many Westerners like myself) perceive to be cold, mechanical interactions and concluded that the way they were relating to each other was perfectly culturally appropriate. It was totally Omani and completley out of deep respect and love for the other.

And when I thought about it, it was very true.

Our husband friend brought attention to the fact that his wife reads the Qur'an every day. This emphasises the fact that she is very committed and devoted to Allah and that she is very honorable. He had minimal contact with us woman out of respect for her and she the same with our guys. He smiled when talking about her, as did she. And they were in deep conversation with us, their dinner companions. So they were paying us honor by really being completely involved and engaged with each question and thought we directed their way and visa versa.
(Again, this is what I remember, and is still shallow in depth of story details and observation. So friends who were there, if you can remember, please chime in. To the rest of you who weren't there, please trust me when I say, they do love each other.)

So as you can imagine, I was relieved to realize, I was just trying to seeing things through the wrong lense. Cultural Contextualization 101?

So now I'm even applying this new realization to my relationships here at home. I think it's helping some. We'll see how it goes :)

P.S. I'm also in process of learning more about God's love. As my Father, Lover, Friend. As this knowledge grows, I know it'll deeply change how I understand love. It's already begun...excited for more. I think this will also deeply change what I understand "Jesus Culture" to be as well...Fun!

I have a friend named God...

"I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." John 15:15

I've been on a journey of really desiring to know God intimately. This means letting Him consistently be for me, what I've so deeply sought and desired from others around me. This isn't a very easy task. Like this simple concept of what it means to be God's friend.

Now, I don't know about you, but I've had many different kind of friends in my life. Friends that are fair weathered. Friends that are of convenience. Friends that are of practicality. Friends that are from school. Friends that are from church. Friends that I've met during my travels. Friends that are like sisters. Friends that are like brothers. Friends that are like fathers. Friends that are like mothers.

All of these relationships, indicate differing levels of closeness and connection. And because each of these have held for me different kinds of experiences; joy filled, sorrow filled, filled with acceptance, filled with compassion, filled with indifference, filled with intimacy, filled with stress, etc. When I try and really know what kind of friend God wants to be for me...I struggle.

Rice a Roni

I'm currently making Rice-a-Roni. Yep, the San Francisco Treat! Hopefully it goes well. I have about 14 to 18 min while it simmers to kinda think over my day and process some of what's gone on.

Since our May 1st deadline just past this weekend, work was pretty light today. For those of you who don't know, in the admissions business, May 1st is a pretty huge deal because it's the last day that all college applicants have to let their colleges of choice know they're coming. I had a few phone calls, some emails, and some more calls.

Because of the light heartedness of the office, I've had some time to think more about Oman. I leave in T-Minus 28 days! I'm more than excited for the team and for those we will befriend when during our time. To does: Continued Fundraising and Purchasing Clothes! Although today I ran into a girlfriend who went last year and she said I could borrow her skirts! Whoohoo!

Last night we had a training session, that was pretty great for life in general. We learned two main things: Identifying People of Peace and Telling a 1.5 Minute Testimony. So things on my to do list now are to work on my testimony and pray for these dear friends we will meet. I know God will lead and direct and am excited for what's to come!

Ready, set, I do

I know , I know...I haven't written in a while. I stopped because I really hadn't felt anything really extraordinaire to write about. News Flash thanks to a Henri Nouwen post, I don't have to be really original or thought provoking...I just have to be willing to share more of myself. So, I'll try.

I've been thinking a lot about love and marriage more recently. A lot of random emotions have come along with this process...I'll save you those details...and kinda just roll with what I've really been musing over more recently...

First, one of the main reasons for this, is because a lot of my close friends have discovered that their love is meant for marriage and are tying the knot this summer. And because studying people and asking lots and lots of questions have always intrigued me...I've had lots of opportunity to observe.

In our Western culture, we have the luxury of picking our mates and deciding when "we are ready" to engage in a covenant that's supposed to last forever. Lucky us right?! Now I all know that this isn't really the case for most marriages when we look at statistics, but that's the hope right? I also know that sometimes some people marry for convenience, or status, or even looks, but that hasn't really been my experience. You know based on that very small focus group, which include the aforementioned couples and adult married couples with whom I'm close"ish".

Honestly, I think I'm more uncertain about how one knows they're ready to be married. I'm sure there are tons of books and lots of authorities on the issue, but really, how do you define readiness?

You can love someone deeply and know for certain of their commitment (because it's so much more than a feeling) and still not be ready.

You can have all the ideal ducks in a row: education finished, finances in order, soul searching completed, all wild oats sown, all the relationship experience in the world...and really still not be ready.

You can be 30+, well established, and well-connected and dating seriously and still not be ready.

I really think I'm gonna need a lot more time to observe and come to a conclusion on this one. This may need to be the thing I need to experience first hand in order to "really know".

Because if there's one thing I have really taken note of each of the couples I've encountered. While their time lines on marriage are all kind of similar, their relationships all look so very different...they're different...and they all just kinda knew...they were ready.

Being Receivable...

In about 4 months I will be leaving on a jet plane, heading towards the beautiful Sultanate of Oman. I have many, many feelings about it.

I'm excited.

I'm nervous.

I'm curious.

I'm expectant.

I'm hopeful.

My heart's invested. Through praying and preparing with last year's Oman team, I fell in love with

Omani's. In hearing friend's testimonies and witnessing Chris' experiences while he lived and led

there I know God desires to have His children reconciled to Him and to bring them peace. In reading

and learning about Omani culture I know I want to eat, breath, laugh, cry, and sweat (cause

it's so hot!) with Omani women. I really want them to know their beauty and worth as daughters of the

Most loving Father God.

I still don't feel ready. With four months to go, there's lots to do.

Main to dos:

Praying

Fundraising

Praying

More Culture Learning

Praying

and Praying

Mt. 10:40 says "He who receives you receives me, and he who

receives me receives the one who sent me."

Working towards being receivable...one surrendered will at a time.

A Look at Year 2009

I was going to sum up 2009 in by month, but it was a really big year and well it'd take a very, very LONG time to go through each and every month. So follow along below and enjoy what I can remember thus far. If knew things come to mind, I'll add them :).

I learned to really know God's love for this very needy daughter. I moved churches and joined the Southlands community. I was prayed over a number of times and each time God affirmed my calling to share His life, reconcile His people to right relationship with Him and serve His people. I realized the depth of love Christ has for me and how necessary His truth is for my every day living. I need His words, because most of the time mine aren't nearly powerful enough to battle the, could be, devastating lies of the enemy. I also spent a whole week with my mom and dad on an Alaskan cruise. Yes, it was VERY cold, and I really do not enjoy being cold. BUT the sights were gorgeous and we were able to have some great conversations. If there's one thing Alaska provides, aside from food so good I think only the banquet feast in Heaven tops it, it offers amazing "quiet time" locations. God affirmed and confirmed so much that week. It was incredible. After this amazing time, I moved out of the comfortable home of my parents and into a new home with seven beautiful women. There I learned a different kind of community--one where love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and understanding are priority. But even more priority is knowing our Father in heaven in new and greater ways each and ever day AND knowing how to love His people creatively and passionately. Chris and I also celebrated our first year anniversary, BUT he was in Oman and I was here in the States. So he asked Heather and Jon to take me on a most meaningful date, that he planned in advanced for me to partake in. It included our special spots and letters he wrote for me to read at each stop. I loved it...granted not as much as I would have loved it if he were really with me, but it was beautiful to have Jon and Heather love me on his behalf. But you know, looking back on it now and having our friendship grown to where it is today, I know they really were loving me just because they do...and the things Chris planned were just added bonuses. Speaking of Heather and Jon, they also started dating via the making of the Web. One day Chris, me (who were already dating) went with Heather and Jon on a little adventure to Santa Barbara. Now Chris and Jon had already been really great friends to this point, but Heather and I had never met before. But conversations had together during times exploring beautiful Santa Barbara brought us together. In a matter of 6 months, Jon and Heather were engaged (Dec '09). The Web is still very special to us and represents a place that we get to experience the depth, height, width, and the length of God's love for us. It's tangible. You can smell it, taste it, hear it, touch it, breath it...all in safe community. If you didn't know, Christopher spent about 3 months (felt more like forever) in Oman learning Gulf Arabic. He also spent time in Bahrain where he met amazing people and formed deep friendships. The time a part was trying and stretching to say the very least, but God met us both where and when ever we needed Him. I spent much of this time learning how to pray and how to really allow God to be my lover. And having Chris come home was especially exciting. He really did mature in a variety of different ways, but more than anything He knew deeply the Father's love for him and this meant I (and so many others) get to be on the receiving end of his response to this extravagant love. He also really did learn Arabic and well, it's just fun to hear him speak it. I wish I could say I've learned to cherish the time we spend together now that we are with each other in the States, but I haven't. Until right now, I forgot just how much I miss him when he's not a phone call, text message or 20 min drive away. SAD. I'll keep this in mind. I am thankful for friendships though. So thankful. Living in these communities has also helped me to really appreciate what my parents gave me in my own childhood. I was raised and rooted in the traditions of Christianity. Now I have my own real, deep, intimate relationship with Christ and I look forward to passing this heritage on to my children.

THAT'S ALL FOR NOW...I'LL KEEP ADDING MORE...SO LOOK FOR UPDATES :)